Deconditioning: Stepping Off the Hamster Wheel

Conditioning begins long before we ever take our first breath.

It starts at conception. Its only prerequisite is a mother—sometimes a birth mother, sometimes a surrogate, sometimes a caregiver whose body becomes home. In the womb, we eat what she eats. We feel what she feels. We hear what she hears. Her nervous system becomes our nervous system. Science now confirms what many ancient wisdom traditions have always known: the prenatal environment shapes emotional regulation, stress response, and even belief patterns through the developing nervous system and epigenetics.

Our world is literally her.

Prenatal environment shaping early development

Once we are born, our conditions shift instantly. We leave the protection of the womb and enter a world that requires us to adapt quickly. Our communication is limited to cries, giggles, and babbles. The way others respond—or don’t—begins shaping how we experience safety, connection, and worth. Over time, these responses teach us what is acceptable, what is rewarded, and what feels dangerous.

This is how conditioning takes root.

As we grow, we test the edges of these early conditions. Those tests eventually frame our philosophy, morals, behaviors, and perceived capabilities. Yet most of what we carry was never consciously chosen. Because our earliest experiences were dependent on others for survival, many of our beliefs are inherited rather than authentic.

And here’s the part we often miss: the people who conditioned us were also conditioned. Most of them were operating from patterns they didn’t know were theirs.

This is how the cycle continues—like a hamster wheel we didn’t sign up for but learned to run on anyway. Until something knocks us off. Sometimes gently. Sometimes painfully.

There are, of course, exceptions. Some children are given enough space and safety to explore, question, and form their own inner authority early on. But for many, conditioning was enforced through survival, not choice.

We often blame—consciously or unconsciously—others for our struggles because of the influence they had on us. But what if it wasn’t anyone’s fault? Not theirs. Not yours.

When we move beyond blame, we create room for responsibility without shame. This is where deconditioning begins. Some call this shadow work. Others call it healing. I call it remembering who you were before you learned who you had to be.

So what does it actually take to step off the hamster wheel?

Awareness:You must acknowledge which conditions are no longer working for you. There is no “right” place to start. For me, it was trust and safety—understandably shaped by years of abuse. For someone else, it might be love, worthiness, money, or relationships. The entry point doesn’t matter. Honesty does.

Boundaries:This is where many people confuse protection with survival. These are not walls built from fear. These are intentional boundaries that support the person you are becoming. A simple example: I only show up in spaces that support where I’m going, not where I’ve been.

Healthy boundaries retrain the nervous system to recognize safety without hypervigilance.

Feeling—without attachment:You are human. Feelings will surface. Grief, anger, sadness, relief—all of it belongs. The key is allowing emotions to move without turning them into identity or self-judgment. This is often the hardest phase because we are conditioned to “fix,” suppress, or spiritualize pain away.

Support matters here. Surround yourself with people who can hold space—those who will let you feel without rushing you out of it, while still holding you accountable to stay present.

Integration:This is the pause. The rest. The stillness.

And yes—this is usually the hardest part.

We live in a society conditioned to value productivity over presence, doing over being. Integration asks us to slow down enough for the nervous system to reorganize. This is not laziness. This is biology. Research on trauma healing and neuroplasticity consistently shows that rest and safety are required for lasting change.

You have permission to pause.

You have permission to rest.

You have permission to breathe.

Let this be your reminder: you are human. You are allowed to examine, accept, rewrite, or release any condition placed upon you. The moment you choose awareness, the wheel no longer owns you.

And that choice—made again and again—is freedom.